Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
