I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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