so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
areolas are like halos for boobs.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
there is puke in my bra ... again
Randomize
