i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
