remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
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