i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
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