I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Randomize
