we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
