You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
