I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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