Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Randomize
