Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
