hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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