I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Randomize
