Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
We don't watch enough power rangers
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
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