Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Randomize
