:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Randomize
