Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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