You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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