After last night, I could never be a politician.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
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