Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Randomize
