I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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