I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
