I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
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