Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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