i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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