In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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