They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
