why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Will exercising make me less horny?
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
