i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
