I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I have fence marks all over my body
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Randomize
