I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
