did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
