My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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