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I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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