so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
