so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
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