I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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