Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
