my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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