I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
