in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
