So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Randomize
