the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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