turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
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