I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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