I have demons in me.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
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