When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Randomize
