Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
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