i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
